In the wake of the most recent tragic Colorado massacre, The United States Department for Homeland Security, with full approval from President Obama, announced immediate plans to upgrade and strengthen border security defenses between it and its violent northern neighbour, Canada.
Department Head, Janet Napolitano, disclosed that she and NRA President David Keene had “a soul searching heart-to-heart” meeting to uncover the cause of gun related violence and have determined it without question to be maple syrup. “Thousands of gallons of contraband maple syrup are being smuggled with impunity each year across our border. We must stop the flow of illegal maple syrup from Canada into our communities where it endangers the lives of our loved ones!” Asked to explain the link between maple syrup and violence, President Obama said it was self-explanatory but explained anyway: “One: It’s sticky. Two: Sugar gets us high. Three: We can’t read the instructions because they’re written in Canadian. All those things make us mad.”
When asked about the new American security measures, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper appeared baffled but resigned. He noted that the right to bear maple syrup is enshrined in the Canadian Constitution and pointed to recent legislation that allowed Canadian mothers the freedom to feed their babies maple syrup in public. “I don’t get it, eh. But then, they’re Americans. They’re the experts on terrorism. We pretty much leave security measures to them. We just want to be friends.”
Harper flew directly to Washington to assure the President that he has Canada’s full cooperation, even to the drastic extent of establishing a maple syrup/gun violence committee. Head of the committee, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, declared “So-called Social Worker Smooch-a-Syrup measures” were no longer enough. “We’re gonna get rid of gun crime if it takes cutting down every friggin’ maple tree in Canada!” Napolitano warned “tough talk is not sufficient” and put Canadians on notice indicating that she has not ruled out preemptive napalm strikes on Canada’s “maple tree plantations.” “Did you know Canadians even have the gall to display a maple leaf on their flag?” she asked. “What do you think the world would think of us if we put a gun on ours!?”
